SATURDAY, 20 AUGUST 2011
Would I lie to you?
***Spoiler Alert***
A debate about the teaching of a subject called "Critical Thinking" in schools on our local home ed group has started me thinking. I would like to be raising children who can think critically as adults and as children and I wonder if it is a case of a skill that has to be retaught because it was encouraged to be unlearned in childhood.
We have never lied about the existence of Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny or the Tooth Fairy. We decided upon this approach nearly seven years ago now basically because we felt that we just weren't comfortable with dishonesty involved and, in the the way that lying creeps up on you, it was certain to become a spiral of additional lies told to reinforce the original lie. The Smalls do know about these things because of TV, especially Charlie & Lola, story books and relatives. We don't live in a bubble! When they ask me I always turn it back and say "What do you think?"
I asked S, 6, yesterday "Do you believe in Santa Claus?"
"No""Do you believe in the Easter bunny?"
"No"
"Do you believe in the tooth fairy?"
"Half and half""Do you believe there is a god?"
"Of course not, it seems highly unlikely to me that something bigger than ginormous could rest on a cloud."
She knows of course that many of her friends believe in one or all of these things and is respectful and curious about the foundations of their beliefs. Recently she asked a friend who had just been confirmed how she decided which of the gods to believe in.
There is so much trust involved in raising children and for me home ed changes the game. I am interested, do you lie to your children? Often with the best of intentions? Or is trust a two way street in your family? Do you encourage questioning and search out the answers together or are there some things that are just not up for debate?
Back in the 1980s, when I was at school, it was all about a TV show called 'Grange Hill' and a character called Zammo who was experimenting with drugs and so the catchphrase " Just say no" was born. It was marketed to us at schools via a range of posters that said things like "drugs kill." The only the problem is they don't always kill and when the same group of people arrived at university or started going to raves and found that drugs didn't kill, actually looked a lot of fun and some people had evidence to show that in some cases they were safer than alcohol it became hard to know what to believe.
Of course drugs are illegal so the risks are different and no one is earning any tax revenue on their sale and distribution. There are other examples of the population being fed incorrect information the classic for our times must be baby formula milk and especially follow on milks. The ability to think critically about these so called facts is really useful.
I can think of other examples of overriding instincts, Stranger Danger has to be a really good one. I can't help but think that if very young children were not separated from their parents at a young age, often against their instincts, that this would not be such a big deal in later life to relearn the skills of forming impressions and trusting your gut hunch about people.
S has this great book called Philosophy Files which I have blogged about before and it's author Stephen Law has written well about lying to children. The comments at the bottom are especially good.
http://stephenlaw.blogspot.com/2007/11/lying-to-children.html
Of course I am not perfect I do tell little lies , especially in shops, I will say I can't afford it when what I mean really is I don't want to afford that crappy fake chocolate and straight to land fill plastic item inside but really I just want to get out of the shop before I have to carry my children out in the small tiny pieces they have broken down into............ We do talk about it when we are back at home though and have had some good conversations about the power of advertising and marketing and point of sale displays. I have tried too to explain opportunity cost but even some adults don't fully get that.
Of course I am not perfect I do tell little lies , especially in shops, I will say I can't afford it when what I mean really is I don't want to afford that crappy fake chocolate and straight to land fill plastic item inside but really I just want to get out of the shop before I have to carry my children out in the small tiny pieces they have broken down into............ We do talk about it when we are back at home though and have had some good conversations about the power of advertising and marketing and point of sale displays. I have tried too to explain opportunity cost but even some adults don't fully get that.
I recall my parental grandmother telling me with such force not to play with my belly button as it would kill me that with hindsight I have come to conclude that she must have truly believed it to be true herself.
And whilst the GCSE grades that many children are awaiting this week are important really trust is a fundamental. Trust about who to reproduce with, who to go into business with, who to marry is a life skill with a really great significance for future happiness. In our family I hope that trust will be a two way street and that the opportunity to ask questions and think critically will be useful in later life.
19 comments:
We have never expressly said "Santa is a made up story" we have just never said he is real and left the rest up to them to think on and figure out.
Young children ask so many questions about how Santa manages to travel through time, what happens if they don't have a chimney etc etc it is obvious to me that they smell a rat and we do them no favours by denying them their opinions.
I have a friend whose daughter was really upset when she found out, not because he wasn't real, but because she'd asked her Mum a few times and been fobbed off, so I learnt from her mistake.
Will definitely write a post on this issue for Free Your Parenting at some point :)
Of all the doubts, questions and rethinks that parenting three very different children have sent our way the Father Christmas, tooth fairy & Easter bunny is one strategy we have never doubted.
As a home educating mother I am my child's first source of information and I do my very best to try and respect the trust they place in me.
Religion is slightly different of course and I note with real interest just how interested in the various historical approaches S is - Especially in Ancient Eqyptian, Roman & Greek religions and I wonder whether a particular religion had been the focus at the expense of others if she would have developed this interest.
We inherited a relatively blank canvas in that there are no step siblings or cousins in the frame which made our choice much easier.
Also it is interesting that many of the people who have contacted me about this post know us in real life and had no idea!
We don't go around saying "It's not true" but when we are asked questions we just turn them back around.
I like the comment about avoidance Dave H! :-)
We had a lovely conversation in which I expressed how the "spirit" of magic is always there for us no matter what; it's just that a man in a red suit doesn't physically visit and my DD said "Are you worried you've upset me?' to which I said "The only thing I'm worried about is that you'll think I've lied to you for the past x years about this and now you might be wondering if I've lied about anything else.' (we've, ironically, had a relationship built on trust and I've always instilled telling the truth no matter how hard). She reassured me the thought never crossed her mind.
She then looked wide eyed and said "But Christmas must cost you a fortune because YOU'RE buying it all" and finally looked at me and asked "Can you still pretend this Christmas for me, just like you used to?" Once I agreed she hopped off my lap and went out to play happy as could be...
So my fears did not materialise, fortunately, and in a weird way, I feel closer to her now - kind of like *I've* confessed and she's compassionately and lovingly heard that in the same way I hear her stuff. Kwim?
Geesh, parenting eh - certainly doesn't come with a manual LOL!
warm wishes
Rae aka mrsgreen@littlegreenblo
It's her request that we still continue with it all ;) (which I think is kinda cute - I know some ADULTS who do a Christmas stocking for one another on behalf of santa because they still want that magic - doesn't appeal to me *at all* but I think it's great that others get something from it)
it's a bit like the film Polar Express - have you seen that? When the kids ring the bell and it rings for them, but not for the parents, because the kids believe ;)
Thanks for sharing. S told me today she had enjoyed her sleepover at Grandma & Grandie's and was looking forward to holiday more knowing that the tooth fairy wouldn't have any problems finding her ;-) I guess that is why she answered 50/50
Daddy goes to war but my kids think of Afghanistan as a word not a place.
Our job is to protect our children, and give them a safe, loving, home life so that they can grow into confident, financially independent (ideally) rational adults - they need to be mature enough to handle the burden of truth and honesty. They have a long time to be adults and a short time to be children. I am phasing the truth in when I think it's appropriate and also using a language my 8 year old can progress.
I grew up carrying the financial anxiety of my parents - I want to protect my children from adult stress for as long as possible and sprinkle some magic and stardust occasionally because it keeps us all young and smiling.
For me it was home education that made the difference. I just knew that I wouldn't be able to answer all of the questions that are fired at me everyday, or at least where back then, whilst remembering to lie about how Santa manages to be everywhere all at once and so on.
I never lied. When A asked "is Santa really real?" I answered "No, he's not really real, but it's fun to pretend isn't it?". She was 2 or 3 at the time. I felt the same as you, that I didn't want that relationship, where she'd grow up not knowing what things I said were true. Grandma and Grandpa still send gifts "From Santa" but she's never been fooled because what odds that Santa would use the exact same wrapping paper as them? ;-) She's good though, she goes along with it when they call her on xmas day because they're in the "magic of childhood" camp.
Same with the tooth fairy, for a while she still wanted to put her tooth under her pillow because it was fun waking up to a coin, even after trying to negotiate for a fee increase the night before :-) Now I just fork over the cash and add the tooth to her tooth pot because hunting for a tiny tooth that's slipped down the side of the bed isn't much fun.
We still do the egg hunt, but she is reasonable and allows me to hide the dratted things around the garden while she has her breakfast in the front room.